As Women Ages

By Angelle Baligod

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One night, he uttered out of the blue, “You have a really nice figure.”

One night, he whispered, “I want to see you.”

One night, he blurted out through gritted teeth, “Send me a photo of your body, and I promise not to leak it.”

One night, he begged, “Please, isang beses lang naman.”

I cannot get his words out of my head. I cannot pinpoint whether it should flatter or offend me. Does he mean well for me or well for his selfish gains? Sure, I liked hearing affirmations, but his words did not have the same melody.

Growing up, I used to enjoy hearing my Tita’s high-pitched “Wow! Ang ganda naman!” and “Wow! Ang talino talaga! Manang-mana kay Tita.” My whole family used to feed me with words of affirmations all the time. Their praises pushed me to do more of what they appreciate. Their compliments used to fuel my drive to excel. Not all sounded the same, of course, but all meant the same to me. All sounded the same: a source of validations.

You can say that I was in love with compliments.

Now, I hear “You’re so beautiful,” “You’re so hot,” “You’re really smart,” “You have a nice body,” and “Wow, I wish you were older!” as I grow older. I mean, all sound the same, right? They all meant well. Or so I thought.

On the 20th of April, I cannot seem to fall asleep. It was already two in the morning, and I still have classes later that day. To tire myself out, I decided to open that certain “Bee” Application.

“It was a match!” greeted me as I checked my notifications. He looked... well, decent. So, I messaged him, “Hey. :)” To my surprise, he immediately replied.

“Wow, u’re still awake?”

“Yeah, could not seem to. Hbu?”

“Same. What r u looking 4 here?”

“Casual flings. Hbu?”

“Same.”

I was unaware of how one conversation with a stranger could turn my life upside down. One night conversation led to late night calls and laughter. Such a sweet, caring man he was.

Such fine art that could not be matched. But such a masterpiece can be ruined with just one stroke of wrong paint.

“I want to see you,” he said suddenly as we paused our conversation for a while.

Leaving me surprised, “What do you mean?”

“I want to be honest with you. I’m kind of in the mood right now. I saw your picture and wow, you’re really hot.”

I have been in the same situation before. Just when you get comfortable for sincerity, they get comfortable for something else.

I stayed quiet for a while, but he added, “I hope you don’t get offended; you just have a really nice body.”

It was a compliment that I am sure of, but one that I am tired of hearing, one that I am not in love with. I was once seen as a child with dreams; I was a child with beauty, talents, and intelligence. As a child, I felt like a person.

However, society surprised me as I grew older. I was unaware that as you grow older, your worth would be less. I was uninformed that things could change. As an adult, I am now seen for my body. Validation felt like objectification; compliments felt like insults.

Indeed, society speaks for me, “Who am I if not for my body?”