Shadows of Thy Heart

By Angelle Baligod

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For years, I have always been stuck in a dark, suffocating cave with my thoughts as my only company. I felt like a small person who was being suffocated as thousands of impossible scenarios move the walls closer. The cave has an opening on the corner that brings in warmth, but the light from this window burns my eyes as does the reality of life I try to hide from. So, I had no choice but to be the prisoner in Plato’s cave, stuck to believe in the shadows I see on the walls; shadows that were created whenever the light goes through my heart. It was the shadow of the tears I shredded for every smile I once had. It was the shadow of the promises I gave for every word he broke. It was the shadow of the love I offered for every pain he caused. It was the shadow of him: the shadow that haunts me wherever I go.

Closing my eyes was my only escape. The darkness comforted me whenever I lose my vision but somehow, no matter how dark it gets, I can still see his cold gaze burning holes on my body.

It was the 12th of March 2019. I was mourning the death of my grandmother. To distract myself, I was in my room, patiently waiting to hear a notification from my phone. I was reading Every Day by David Levithan for the hundredth time, still silently wishing that he was “A” and I was Rhiannon. No matter how often “A” changed their form and appearance, Rhiannon was their constant. “A” searched heaven, earth, and hell every day to be with her.

Buzz. Buzz.

Finally. I rushed to get my phone to read his comforting texts, but I was greeted by the opposite. He replied with two words that stripped off the meaning of millions of promises we once said to each other.

“Ayoko na.” I was left dumbfounded. That was not what I expected.

“Bakit?” I immediately replied.

“Nasasaktan na kita. Ang gago ko kasi kaya hindi kita deserve. I’m sorry.”

“Bakit hindi ka na lang muna mag-sorry at magbago bago humantong sa ganito?”

“Sayang lang sa effort ‘yan. Nagsasawa na rin kasi ako.”

I cannot believe I was excited for a message of heartbreak. I thought that even if we fought the night before that day, you would set everything aside and comfort me. But you did not. On that same day, I mourned for two: the death of my beloved grandmother and the death of my love for you.

But I was also asking myself, how can you feel sick of a relationship that only favored you? For the entire months, all I ever heard from you were excuses and complaints. Whenever I asked for your time, it was always “May plano kami ng tropa ko.” Whenever I asked for help, it was always “Hindi mo ba kaya nang mag-isa?” Whenever I told you no, it was always “Boyfriend mo naman ako ah.”

And then I tried to open my eyes. In that moment I realized that I only chose to close my eyes to hold onto the version of him that I created in my head. He was never the shadow of my heart; I was only hallucinating. I was never a prisoner; I chose to restrain myself.

So, I have decided to leave the cave and head for the window. As I walk closer to the light, the form of the shadows changed. Indeed, gone were the reflections of him. It now reflects a heart of a young naked woman: a heart as strong as steel, as pure as snow, and as transparent as the ocean water.